Ashtanga Yoga is a Science of the Mind...

... or so we've been told.

This week has been hard. We had fair warning that this yoga practice would open emotional floodgates, and that the second week would be the Week of Tears. I didn't really believe that, but oh boy, now I do. The paper learning is basically done, so it's ALL Yoga ALL day. When we aren't doing our practice, we're doing physical adjustments in the poses. When we aren't doing the physical adjustments, we're doing the posture break-downs. It is 100% physical and meditative, 8 hours a day. It's a lot like counseling in a way; We are forced to look at all aspects of ourselves internally and externally, and I'm not kidding when I say that each breath, each way you move your eyes, each limb even an inch off is subject to scrutiny and criticism from the entire class. This isn't to say that that class isn't supportive, because they are. But what I AM saying is that your faults are being magnified during an entire day of extreme physical pressure. I hurt a lot, emotionally and physically.

The other major contributing factor has been Sunday's lecture on Non-Attachment. The concept of Non-Attachment is to love and desire, but not to the point where you feel that your happiness is dependent on something external (such as having money, or cars, or George Clooney.) So while we had this lecture we were asked to identify our attachments, and explore them. How would it feel to remove our FEAR of losing them? For whatever reason, this struck a cord with me and that, coupled with the physical scrutiny, cut a big path to my heart and I have been on the verge of tears ever since.

This is a hard concept. It has forced me to be entirely honest with myself. Yes, we all have attachments, and I will never remove family from my attachments, because my happiness is very much dependent on their presence in my life. I just don't care, they are, and I like it that way. But this openness, I think, also allows you to see other people differently. Somehow their damage is projected onto you and the sadness and love and empathy is magnified. It probably doesn't help that I'm really homesick, too. I feel so lost and exposed, and any smile from a kind guy on the bus just makes me want to bury my head in their shoulder and cry. It's not right, but there it is.

I'll be very glad when this month is over. I don't know if I'll want to teach or not. Maybe. We'll see.

There ARE a few good things. I got 100% on my quiz, I'm losing fat (albeit, in weird places, like my rib cage) and my muscles are taut (maybe just tight?) and getting stronger. The teachers are happy with my improvement and say I'm doing a good job, and the Inner Critic is quieting... I got to do physical adjustments with the cute male med. student today (heehee) which gave me an excuse to feel his muscles with a contemplative gaze on my face ;) Nice.

I guess that's it for now! I'm going to Target tomorrow, so if you have any requests then send me a text message before 5pm Calgary Time.

Love you and miss you!!!
Gillian