Dear Bats,
I'm sure that you're lovely and fuzzy, but I beg you to refrain from letting yourselves into our house. Bats belong outside, not inside. Last night was the third time that we caught one of your renegade adventurists in our hallway. All of our attempts to block your entrance have failed, and we admit defeat in your quest to drive us insane. We can't sleep because of you. We can't open closets because of you. I was driven to tears last night over the anxiety of having to go to the washroom in the dark. I nearly wet my pants. So stop it, okay? I'm sick of sleeping with the light on and cutting liquids from my diet. Just leave us alone.
Tonight, as a gesture of our parting on positive terms, I will be sleeping in the car. This should allow you the time and space to finish up whatever "bat business" you need to attend to in the house, and then you must never, never come back again. I'm too young to die of a heart attack/sleep deprivation. You win. Take what you want and then leave us alone.
Thank you for your cooperation,
Gillian
3 comments:
Not sure if this will help or not, but try the following:
Instead of looking inside for holes in the house, try looking outside the house at sunset for any bats leaving to feed (you can do this from inside the car!). If you can find where they are STILL coming in from, you can block it. Bats also HATE Fibreglass insulation, so maybe if you are doing renovations that will help with time! I have also heard that Dog/Cat repellant works fairly well too (but you have to find the hole they are coming in and spray that).
Now comes the scary part... Try everything to batproof the house by November-ish because thats when bats make bat-babies... Its better to close the bats out of the house, rather than locking them in!
Finally, as gross and creepy as bats are, you must remember this one thing:
They eat those ugly ass bugs that you have so "national geographically" documented for us!
Maybe it will help if you get one of those sexy Catwoman costumes a la Halle Berry or Michelle Pfeiffer?
Catwoman: How could you? I'm a woman.
Batman: I'm sorry, I...
[Batman is hit]
Catwoman: As I was saying, I'm a woman and can't be taken for granted. Life's a bitch, now so am I.
=)
Thank you, Oh Anonymous Bat Warrior! That is very helpful! We had bat number four last night, and calls in to the local pest control people, but so far their line about "24 Hour Response" seems to have just been for decoration. We DEFINATELY have to take care of this before November! Thanks again!
you are most welcome my dear! also you could try and see if any lighthouses nearby have the bat signal on them...
...just a thought =)
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